Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The USS B port
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?