Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You Might Also Like
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool