Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

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having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.


How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.


Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.


The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.


Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time


Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat


Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…


when i say “i should be there in 5!” i’m almost always using the moral sense of the word ‘should’, not the like probability sense. like yeah being there in 5 minutes would be the right thing, even though it’s not going to happen


Sure your baby’s cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?