Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Last-minute gift idea!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Lmaoo 😂
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
that wasn’t the question