Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Breaking news:
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Weighing up my bread heating options
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
security at the airport getting more straightforward