Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.


I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.


Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”


Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick


I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you


Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure


Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.