Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal
D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full
M: that sounds like a mean trick
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.