Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.