Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
This is my cat’s medicine.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
when someone rings the doorbell
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.