Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

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Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.


me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too


I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip


If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2


[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps


[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS


ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here


Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.


I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.