Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son