him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Spell check is for lasers.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.