“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
*he tosses me cop car keys*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
me: im not some potato riot
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“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”
“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”
-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
So the ex texted me
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.