When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.