When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.