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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down


Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!


Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!


I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.


Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
*bangs gavel*


in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc