him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Great Canadian literature.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.