him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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When I laugh on my period
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN