him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.