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@mdob11: Him: You're not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
@MollyRingwraith: It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
@Jenny4ashley: My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like "please untie me" and "just tell me who you are".
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar
@iamfase: Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
@PaperWash: Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what's upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance