Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?