Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
After how many years should you clean your microwave?