Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Go hard or stay average
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.