@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

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@thestlouisan

I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.

@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@jnapsalot

Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

@kwirkyKerri

I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@DirtMcTurd

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

@minnie_in_pink7

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.