I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.