him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing