@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

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@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@ShoutingGoddess

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

@heyliv_

How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?

@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so bored, I’m gonna deep clean the house.

[5 minutes later]

Me: my phone is in my house, totally counts *wipes screen* opens Twitter.

@Jamdug

I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@NomDeBenoit

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!