@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

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@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

@ClichedOut

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@AdderallMomma

Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.

@TheEllenShow

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

@ch000ch

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

@HuntPoindexter

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

@justmiche74

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*