Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.