@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

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@RickAaron

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

@JasonLastname

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

@SteveMartinToGo

This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.

@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?

@IncrediblyRich

Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.

@candace_9871

It’s like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@somecleverthing

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.