“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You Might Also Like
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.
It’s like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.