Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician