Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.


I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.


Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”


black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow


Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur


Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?


It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.


[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens


1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider