@junejuly12

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

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@lisaxy424

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

@TheAlexNevil

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

@PajamaStew

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

@PatsATweetin

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@3sunzzz

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@t0shiba

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’