Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]