If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
it was love at first sight
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*