Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Spell check is for lasers.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
boat question
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
People buying plungers never look happy.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.