Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.
Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance
You Might Also Like
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*yeah, screw this*
[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.