sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Yup
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.