@MissNaughty1801

Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance

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@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

@ThisOneSayz

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

@_ElvishPresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@TheRohiniReddy

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

@FinallyHeSleeps

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.