Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.