Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!

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once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.

when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.


Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!


*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings


*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.


Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks


I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.


[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.