Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!

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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.


HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.


Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.


[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money


Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.


Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.