@Manali_Shetye5

Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!

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@SteveKerr

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

@bornmiserable

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Russia has just renewed a longstanding contract with Hollywood to play the bad guys in all international spy thrillers for another 60 years.

@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@RodLacroix

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

@FeelCoppa

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.