Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.