A lion walks into a bar.
Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”