Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her