@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

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@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

@Smug_Lemur

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

@inmyimage007

I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos

@Mr_Kapowski

Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth

@iwearaonesie

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@maebemarbles

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

@KateBrauning

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

@hippieswordfish

[party in 1939]
teen: truth or dare

hitler: dare

teen: dare you to invade poland

hitler: omg no way u guys

all the teens: DO IT DO IT

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*