Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
(True)