“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Word!
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂