HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
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anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.