@CulturedRuffian

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

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@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

@david8hughes

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

@sixfootcandy

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

*naked in court*

Judge: What do you have to say for yourself?

Me: Well apparently the definition of “flash mob” is not what I excepted your honor.

@KingRainhead

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

@Dawn_M_

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.