*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
bad news gang
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who