Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”