@aaronup

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

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@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

@OfficeofSteve

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

@jonnysun

dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like
mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling
dumbledore: [starts sweating]

@dlockw21

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

@realfunghi

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….