“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak