If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure