Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??