Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You Might Also Like
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No