Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
fourth time’s the charm
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.