Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.