Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

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The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.


If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.


[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?


Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.


POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]


Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.


Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?


Me: *searching cabinet

Wife: What are you looking for?

Me: A spouse

Wife: You mean spice

Me: No, just one


Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.