*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
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David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.