*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.