@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

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@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@TheCatWhisprer

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

@BrandonEsWolf

If you want to take a date out for an expensive dinner may I suggest eating at the airport?

@patnspankme

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

@emptydahl

Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself