*hires sky writer*
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
No regrets in 2018
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold