DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
You Might Also Like
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
honestly, i need both:
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.