The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Still cracks me up
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd