*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.


Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.


*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..


[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?


interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]


[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything


me: *empties water bottle into lake* go, you’re free now


it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.


Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.


When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.