I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You Might Also Like
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
me: *empties water bottle into lake* go, you’re free now
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.