*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.


Human history is so awful, I think I’m just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.


Be great if just once the winning actor was like “I mean it wasn’t a particularly strong group this year, but still.”


DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go


Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.


*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*


I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!


While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section


You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”


No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.