@KalvinMacleod

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

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@Lisabug74

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

@KeetPotato

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

@wolfpupy

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

@dakarrier

me: *empties water bottle into lake* go, you’re free now

@MorphineDreamzz

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

@Bob_Janke

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

@noxxhell

When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.