*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
There is no try. There is only give up.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
This could’ve been an email.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
🥶🥶🐶🐶
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase