YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
– how I threaten my kids
COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*