@LurkAtHomeMom

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

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@TheHatStore

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

@OakHill_

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

@ElgatoEsmio

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

@Lhlodder

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

@tastefactory

COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
CROOK: Sure

@SimplySnaccbar

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*